The Kendall Photographs

MADAME WEB The Abridged Script written by Craig Movie: March 6, 2024

FADE IN:

EXT. PERUVIAN JUNGLE, 1973 Heavily-pregnant scientist

KERRY BISHÉ and TAHAR RAHIM are trekking through the JUNGLE in PERU.

KERRY BISHÉ Okay, Sony Pictures trying to expand their Marvel universe again. All we really need to do is not be another Morbius. Not the highest bar to clear, should be doable. (looks around) So, here we are in this remote Latin American wilderness, looking for an animal specimen that I hope to use to cure somebody’s rare disease, but will instead lead to superpowers HOLY SHIT IT’S THE EXACT SAME OPENING SCENE, WHAT THE FUCK IS OUR PROBLEM TAHAR RAHIM (reading from checklist of exposition elements to be introduced in this scene) So, as you know, Kerry, I am your head of security, who agreed to come with you to help you find this very rare spider. KERRY BISHÉ (peers over at list) Yes and as you know, this spider is extremely rare, and is fabled to has magic venom which is supposed to be able to cure many diseases, and I am come to get it for medical research to cure diseases. TAHAR RAHIM Also, as you know, - its bite is also rumoured to grant superpowers, which is clearly of more interest to me than saving lives - those powers include (but are not limited to super-strength, super-agility, wall-crawling, venom touch - there is a mythical tribe of Peruvian spider-people called “Las Arañas” who got spider-powers from the spiders KERRY BISHÉ Boy we’re efficient at imparting information to the audience! At this rate we could get the whole movie over and done with in five minutes. (returns to staring at spiderweb) At any rate, you’ll have to be patient about that spider, it’s the most elusive, impossible-to-find species of oh look there’s one. TAHAR RAHIM (points gun) GIVE ME THE SPIDER. FOR YOU SEE (checks list again) MY BACKSTORY IS THAT I WAS RAISED IN POVERTY AND NOW I WANT SPIDER-POWERS FROM THAT SPIDER TO MAKE ME RICH AND POWERFUL, SO I AM POINTING A GUN AT YOU TO MAKE YOU GIVE ME THE SPIDER. KERRY BISHÉ No! I need this spider to cure diseases! Oh wait, I found this one about twenty feet away from our camp, I guess I could just give it to you and go look for another- (shot) Yeah, that would’ve been the smarter way to go. TAHAR leaves with the SPIDER. Then KERRY is saved by a bunch of SPIDER-POWERED PEOPLE dressed in RED OUTFITS decorated with BLACK WEBBING PATTERNS. SONY PICTURES Look! These guys, who were never in the comics and we made up for this movie, are basically Spider-Man! THIS IS PRETTY MUCH A SPIDER-MAN MOVIE YOU GUYYYSSS The SPIDER-KNOCKOFFS take KERRY to their lair and have another one of those MAGIC SPIDERS bite her. They then deliver the BABY and KERRY DIES. JOSÉ MARÍA YAZPIK Okay, now to return this child to America! We’ll just go back to Kerry’s camp and retrieve all her personal documents, then take both them and the baby to the nearest hospital or police station and explain about her mother dying, hopefully they won’t need the actual body or anything - and do we need to name the kid? Shit, this is going to be complicated. Maybe we should just timeskip past all that stuff. EXT. NEW YORK CITY, 2003 Decades later, that BABY has grown up into FIRE DEPARTMENT PARAMEDIC DAKOTA JOHNSON, whose character name is - can you guess? Woman with spider powers that let her see the future, what do you think they named her? If your answer is CASSANDRA WEBB, then congratulations, you might be enough of a hack to name Marvel characters! DAKOTA JOHNSON Okay, let’s dig into this origin story for... hold on, what F-tier Spider-Man-adjacent piece of Marvel detritus have we dug up this time... (googles) “Madame Web”. An elderly precog mutant lady, blind and paralyzed since birth, who is rigged up to an elaborate web-shaped life support system. (looks in mirror) We may have strayed juuust a little from the source material here. ADAM SCOTT And here I am, playing- SONY PICTURES BEN PARKER, look everybody BEN FUCKIN’ PARKER is the coworker and best friend of Madame Web, which was never in the comics and we made up for this movie! LOOK HOW MUCH OF A SPIDER-MAN MOVIE THIS IS ADAM SCOTT Right, yes, I’m him. So after Hot Young Aunt May, now we’re doing Hot Young Uncle Ben, apparently. Is this all going to end in a movie where we’re played by like Timothee Chalamet and Anya Taylor-Joy, and we bang onscreen? Not saying I wouldn’t watch that. They answer a call to go save a guy trapped in a CAR that’s dangling over the edge of a BRIDGE. DAKOTA JOHNSON Okay sir, we’re going to cut your seatbelt and then Adam’s going to pull you out of the car, and instead of exiting the car myself at the same time and getting clear of danger I’m going to just sort of stay here and chill. She DOES THIS and then the CAR falls into the RIVER with her inside! She then sees herself surrounded by a GIANT HALLUCINATORY WEB and VOICES ARE YELLING and BALLOON and BIRD and EXPLOSIONS and BIG HONKIN’ LETTER S and then she’s revived on the river bank by ADAM. DAKOTA JOHNSON Kind of ironic that a scene designed to be intentionally visually cluttered and bewildering was still easier to follow than any of the climactic fights from this franchise so far. (coughs up a gallon of filthy river water and one live fish) Welp, that seems like plenty of medical attention for somebody who literally just died, I’m gonna bounce. ADAM SCOTT Um, okay? That seems like an unlikely decision for a medical professional to make. DAKOTA JOHNSON Shyeah, but my whole characterization is defined by an “ugh, whatevs” indifference and a general disinterest in being wherever I am and doing whatever I’m doing. Which works great for me, because I guarantee that’s how I was going to play the role anyway. (coughs up a gallon of river water and one live fish) Wait - didn’t that already happen? What could that possibly mean... INT. PARTY Later, DAKOTA is dragged by ADAM to his SISTER-IN-LAW EMMA ROBERTS’ BABY SHOWER. EMMA ROBERTS Yup, I’m playing Mary Parker and I’m currently pregnant with Adam’s nephew, we’re really fuckin’ doing this. Anyway, party games! Dakota, share a nice memory you have of your mother. DAKOTA JOHNSON Oh well, I don’t have any, because my dumb bitch mom thought it’d be a good idea in to be in the ass-end of the Peruvian wilderness when she went into labor and thus went and died on me, THANKS A LOT YOU STUPID DEAD JERK. (pause) I suppose I could have thought of a nice foster mom story instead of completely weirding the vibe here. EMMA ROBERTS What about your father in all this? He just never gets mentioned? DAKOTA JOHNSON Oh who gives a shit, wherever and whoever he is he’s a Marvel dad. The only halfway decent one of those is Ant-Man, and even he spent the majority of his daughter’s life either in prison, on house arrest, or presumed dead. EMMA ROBERTS What about your father in all this? He just never gets mentioned? DAKOTA JOHNSON Wait - didn’t that already happen? What could that possibly mean... She and ADAM suddenly get called away to a FIRE. EXT. BURNING BUILDING As DAKOTA and ADAM attend to people who are FIRE DAMAGED, fireman MIKE EPPS makes sure the BUILDING is clear. MIKE EPPS Gosh I sure hope there are no more people trapped in this STRUCTURALLY UNSOUND BUILDING which is full of EXPLOSIVES, please commit this to memory! And now I will drive off for some reason! (dies in car accident) MIKE EPPS Gosh I sure hope there are no more people trapped in this STRUCTURALLY UNSOUND BUILDING which is full of EXPLOSIVES, please commit this to memory! And now I will drive off for some reason! (dies in car accident) DAKOTA JOHNSON Wait - didn’t that already happen? What could that possibly mean... DAKOTA goes home all sad about MIKE dying. She makes herself some POPCORN, but when the MICROWAVE GOES DING a PIGEON crashes into her WINDOW and DIES! Then the MICROWAVE GOES DING and she opens her WINDOW at which point a PIGEON flies in and does not DIE! DAKOTA JOHNSON Wait - didn’t that already- PIGEON OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE PLEASE FIGURE THIS OUT FASTER GAAHHHH INT. BEDROOM TAHAR has just slept with NSA AGENT JILL HENNESSY. He wakes up from a DREAM. TAHAR RAHIM I just had my recurring nightmare! JILL HENNESSY The one where you get woken up at three o’clock in the morning by this movie’s sound engineers, who explain in a mad panic that a cat jumped on the keyboard and deleted all your audio, so now you have to mumble a whole movie’s worth of ADR through a raging hangover? TAHAR RAHIM No, although that would honestly explain what the fuck’s going on with my voice. My nightmare was about (pulls out exposition notes) - I have psychic visions of my own death - in the vision I can identify three women with various spider-powers - my evil plan is to kill the younger version of these women before they kill me, Skynet-style - I now need advanced NSA facial-recognition tech that you have, in order to find those three women SONY PICTURES That’s right, this movie has SPIDER-WOMAN #2 and SPIDER-WOMAN #3 and SPIDER-GIRL #3 in it!! And yes the movie ends years before they ever get powers and they spend their entire screentime as gormless teenagers, but STILL THIS MOVIE IS SO SPIIIIDER-MAAAAAN TAHAR kills JILL and steals her NSA TECH, then gets flunky ZOSIA MAMET to use it to track his prey to a TRAIN STATION. INT. TRAIN DAKOTA gets on a train which also contains teenagers SYDNEY SWEENEY, ISABELA MERCED, and CELESTE O’CONNOR. STRANGER Random repeated line! OTHER STRANGER Annoying laugh! Suddenly, TAHAR enters the carriage and KILLS SYDNEY! Then the scene jumps back and reveals that this was just a VISION. STRANGER Random repeated line! OTHER STRANGER Annoying laugh! TAHAR moves on from killing SYDNEY to killing ISABELA! Then the scene jumps back to show, yep, another vision. STRANGER Random repeated line! OTHER STRANGER Annoying laugh! TAHAR then kills CELESTE! But what do you know, THAT TOO was a VISION! STRANGER Random- DAKOTA JOHNSON Oh for FUCK’S SAKE did we have to do that ONE AT A FUCKING TIME?! This movie’s starting to resemble a skipping record enough as it is, Jesus! She then sees that TAHAR is approaching the CARRIAGE for realsies! DAKOTA JOHNSON Shit! Hey you three! Specifically the only three minors in this carriage! Leave the train right now with me, a weirdo you’ve never met! SYDNEY SWEENEY Yeah sure okay ISABELA MERCED Why not let’s go CELESTE O’CONNOR Um, are you two out of your minds? She had to steal my stuff to get me to come, you guys are just doing lemming behavior! They get out onto the PLATFORM, leaving TAHAR stuck on the TRAIN. But wait, now he’s reappeared, crawling on the CEILING while wearing a COSTUME with a WEBBING MOTIF and ANGRY EYES! SONY PICTURES Look look look, this character is wearing almost exactly a Spider-Man costume, which he never did in the comics and we made up for this movie! SUCH A SPIDER-MANNY MOVIE YOU GUUUYYYYSSS TAHAR RAHIM It sure was worthwhile for me to suddenly change my clothes in the middle of this fight. After all, I don’t want people to see my face while I go around murdering teenagers with wall-crawly powers! Even though I was apparently fine for them to see my face while I went around murdering teenagers with hand-poisony powers. DAKOTA and the GIRLS all RUN AWAY! A little further up the platform they manage to find some SUBWAY COPS. But then TAHAR starts MURDERING ALL THE SUBWAY COPS, so they have to RUN AWAY AGAIN! DAKOTA JOHNSON Oh well, at least we lucked out that he focused on killing those cops, when it would have taken him five seconds to hurl you three under passing trains instead and win. SYDNEY SWEENEY Say, wasn’t there a bit in Morbius where the bad guy took a random opportunity to murder some subway cops? Just what the hell does Sony have against subway cops? EXT. FOREST DAKOTA steals a TAXI and takes SYDNEY, ISABELA, and CELESTE out to the WOODS where they can RELAX for a moment. DAKOTA JOHNSON Well now seems like an opportunity to get to know you guys a little, to try and get the audience invested in this little escort mission storyline. Do you three have any personality beyond all blinking like bewildered kittens and saying stuff like “Wait, what?” and “Huh?” and “AAAHHHH!!”? ISABELA MERCED Sure, a little! I’m a broke-ass science nerd with only one living relative, so clearly I’M the Peter Parker here, you others get your own thing. CELESTE O’CONNOR I’m basically just an asshole, but not in a particularly interesting way. SYDNEY SWEENEY Whereas I’m a quiet mousy type who just wants to keep my head down and go along with everybody else, so hey, at least one of us is SUPPOSED to have the personality of strained peas. DAKOTA JOHNSON I guess that’ll do. Anyway, that subway weirdo could crawl on walls, which is something that a bunch of creatures can do, including spiders. And my dumb jerk mom, who died decades ago and has no logical connection to any of this, researched spiders. Therefore her research is probably connected to the three total strangers I met today, and the other total stranger who’s trying to kill them. Right? Does that make sense? SYDNEY SWEENEY I don’t think that’s anything, honestly. DAKOTA JOHNSON Well it’s still the closest thing to a lead we’ve got, so I’m going home for a few hours. You guys just, like, sit here in the dirt while the sun goes down, okay? CELESTE O’CONNOR I mean, you could quickly buy us some food and water and bring them back here before abandoning us for hours on end, right? Maybe a blanket to sit on? DAKOTA JOHNSON NOPE BYEEEE (speeds off) ISABELA MERCED Well shit. But I guess with a superpowered psychopath hunting us, we really have no choice but to hang out here and- CELESTE O’CONNOR And go find the nearest diner back in civilization where we can be seen by people, you’re right! ISABELA MERCED (sighs) Okay, maybe if we’re really discreet and make sure we draw no attention to ourselves- CELESTE O’CONNOR By going and flirting with some boys and then getting up on a tabletop and dancing, you mean? Can do! ISABELA MERCED Hey, remember back on the train, when for two seconds you were the smart one? What happened to that whole thing? They head off to be IDIOTS. INT. DAKOTA’S APARTMENT DAKOTA flips through KELLY’S OLD NOTEBOOKS. DAKOTA JOHNSON Hey, there’s a photo of Tahar with my loser mom in here! So my big discovery is... yeah the spider thing is connected somehow. This trip sure was worthwhile now, wasn’t it! She heads back towards the woods, but on the way back she gets a VISION of the GIRLS getting MURDERED BY TAHAR in a DINER! She promptly speeds towards the DINER and is there just in time to RUN HIM DOWN WITH HER TAXI! DAKOTA JOHNSON Phew! Good thing that guy’s spider-sense is for shit. Get in, guys! They speed off. Enraged, TAHAR calls ZOSIA. TAHAR RAHIM Tell me that advanced NSA surveillance tech is capable of spotting and tracking the one New York cab speeding around this area. ZOSIA MAMET Somehow no. On the plus side, I’ve identified the woman who’s helping the girls. TAHAR RAHIM Pfeh! I have no interest in that woman! ZOSIA MAMET ...Really? The woman in whose custody those girls currently are. The woman who is uncannily able to predict and thwart your movements. I have that woman’s identity at hand, and you don’t see how that’s useful? (sighs) Look, I’ll tell you her name anyway. And while me saying the surname “Webb” ought to be enough for you to make the connection, I’m going to go ahead and randomly name her biological mother as well, because we reeeaaally don’t respect our audience. INT. MOTEL DAKOTA takes SYDNEY, ISABELA, and CELESTE to a MOTEL to figure out their next move. CELESTE O’CONNOR Remind me what excuse we came up with for why we can’t go to the cops with any of this? DAKOTA JOHNSON Because the cops think I kidnapped you guys. They’d arrest me. SYDNEY SWEENEY Right, but... we could just tell them you didn’t abduct us and they’d let you go? DAKOTA JOHNSON Nope, too convenient, not an option. Can I just take you guys back to your families? ISABELA MERCED Our families? Come on Dakota, we ALL have Marvel dads. My dad got deported, Celeste’s parents skipped the country rather than spend time with her yes that’s what we’re going with, and Sydney’s terrible dad is basically a gender-flipped version of the terrible mom from The Holdovers, to a weirdly specific degree. DAKOTA JOHNSON Shit, I guess I’m doing three Pedro Pascals then. In that case, to help you prepare just in case Tahar poisons one of you with his neurotoxin, I’m gonna teach you CPR. CELESTE O’CONNOR CPR? If somebody’s bloodstream is full of deadly neurotoxin, what the fuck good is CPR gonna do? DAKOTA JOHNSON Uhhh... yeah, never mind I guess, that was a dumb fucking idea. Instead I’ll go back to the diner where Tahar tried to attack you, to try to, I don’t know, psychically detect stuff I guess. SYDNEY SWEENEY But your powers so far have only ever predicted the immediate future in your immediate vicinity. What, are you now going to suddenly grow the extra ability to have a psychic conversation with Tahar or something? DAKOTA JOHNSON Fortunately story convenience will ensure that very thing. Laters! (leaves) INT. DINER DAKOTA goes back to the DINER, which is not an ACTIVE CRIME SCENE somehow. Then TAHAR starts speaking in her brain. TAHAR RAHIM Hi. Now that you have returned here, we can talk. Although considering this entire conversation is telepathic, I suppose we could have done it literally anywhere. I’m here to inform you that (pulls out exposition notes) - I’m trying to kill the girls because one day they’ll kill me - I’ve had future visions where they’ve all got superpowers and wait a minute. We already did all this exposition earlier. Like, the whole thing. DAKOTA JOHNSON True. I guess that means you didn’t have to do that super awkward scene earlier where you just started blurting out huge reams of information to the NSA lady you just slept with, and she just rolled with it like you weren’t being a complete fucking weirdo. TAHAR RAHIM Yeah, that was a shitty scene, wasn’t it? Probably should have been cut. Oh well, while we’re here, how do you think the girls are going to get their powers? Are we going to change all their origin stories so that now they all fall into a vat of spider juice at once or something? Or is Isabela going to get the magic tattoo, Sydney get injected by The Commission, and Celeste sneak into The Gathering of Five, so that they all get separate unrelated spider-powers by cosmically stupid coincidence? DAKOTA JOHNSON I think an answer to that question would depend on this movie getting a sequel, so it hardly matters now, does it? DAKOTA returns to the GIRLS. DAKOTA JOHNSON Okay, to have a chance of beating this guy I think I’m going to have to understand my powers better. You guys can hide out at Adam’s place, I’m gonna head to Peru real quick. ISABELA MERCED You’re ditching us again? If you’re supposed to be forming some kind of found-family bond with us, don’t you think you should try to spend some actual time with- DAKOTA JOHNSON NOPE BYEEEE (flies away) EXT. PERUVIAN JUNGLE DAKOTA is now in the same part of the JUNGLE where KERRY DIED. DAKOTA JOHNSON Yep, I just navigated to this exact spot in the heart of this dense jungle, all by myself, equipped only with what looks like a high school backpack. Plausible! Suddenly, JOSÉ pops out of nowhere! JOSÉ MARÍA YAZPIK I’m here to fill you in on your backstory! Let me show you a wordless highlight reel of the opening sequence of this movie. DAKOTA JOHNSON Oh wow, this gives all the information that the first scene gave, without any of the clunky explainy-explainy dialogue. So that’s ANOTHER terrible exposition scene that we didn’t need to have in the first place! JOSÉ MARÍA YAZPIK That’s right, instead of blasting the audience with an exposition firehose using the worst acting and dialogue this side of a workplace sensitivity training video, we could have had an actually intriguing first and second act and then parceled out the plot revelations in organic ways at appropriate times. The raw footage of this movie could have been assembled into something almost halfway decent, isn’t that fucking depressing. (sighs) Anyway, here’s at least one flashback with information that the audience didn’t already know. He shows her a VISION of KERRY talking to a DOCTOR. KERRY BISHÉ What do you mean, my unborn baby has myasthenia gravis? That could lead to her dying in infancy! Or at least winding up blind and paralyzed, and you know we don’t do that source material-respecting shit around here. I must do the logical thing, and go to Peru in search of a rumored magical spider that cures everything! DAKOTA JOHNSON Oh my God! My mom didn’t suddenly go to the jungle when nine months pregnant because she hated me, she was looking for a cure for me! Would’ve been nice if her three-hundred-page journal of her expedition could have mentioned that at any point but still, sorry for hating you Mom! PAST KERRY can suddenly SEE DAKOTA and they HUG and it’s actually kind of moving, marred only a little bit by the fact that it DOESN’T MAKE A DAMN BIT OF SENSE. JOSÉ MARÍA YAZPIK Don’t worry about that, that was just another one of your psychic powers. And there’s another, even less logical one that you’ll get later. We have to throw you at least a couple more bullshit powers at you, because let’s face it, oracles don’t exactly have a lot of use in action scenes. (pause) Oh, and in case you’ve been wondering just how in the hell a bite from a Spider-Man spider gave you the ability to divine the future, we’re basically writing it off that you missed out on the wall-crawling and super-strength and whatnot, but got like a supercharged version of spider-sense. SONY PICTURES See, Dakota’s a Spider-Man too if you think about it, which wasn’t in the comics and we made up for this movie! IS THIS... THE MOST SPIDER-MAN MOVIE??? DAKOTA JOHNSON Look guys, did you ever consider that cramming in a million different spider-powered folk into your franchise ahead of Peter Parker even being born might devalue him a little? At this rate, by the time he gets his powers Spider-Man will just be an available career option like mailman or pool cleaner. She heads back to AMERICA. INT. TAHAR’S HEADQUARTERS TAHAR is bugging ZOSIA about finding the GIRLS. TAHAR RAHIM A whole week and their faces haven’t been caught on surveillance cameras, and monitoring their homes has proven useless!! HOW ARE THEY DOING THIS?! ZOSIA MAMET Um, maybe they’re hiding inside somewhere, but not in their own easily-traced homes? It’s not exactly magic, dude. Have you considered that their protector Dakota might have stashed them somewhere? TAHAR RAHIM Oh balderdash, surely checking out the homes of Dakota’s known associates would be completely pointless. ZOSIA MAMET (checks screen) Wait a minute - it looks like one of the girls has showed up on a traffic cam! Emma has gone into labor and is being rushed to hospital, and the girls came with instead of continuing with the winning strategy of staying inside the house! TAHAR RAHIM Hooray for them being complete idiots! He gets SUITED UP and goes out into the street to where ADAM and EMMA and THE GIRLS are stuck in traffic, planning to blow them up. But then DAKOTA arrives on the scene in a STOLEN AMBULANCE! DAKOTA JOHNSON That’s right, despite having been out of the country the entire past week, I just so happened to get back with split-second timing to save the day! (runs Tahar over with her stolen vehicle) And yes, that’s the exact move I pulled back at the diner, but once again, my only power is seeing the future a little bit. Not a whole lot of offensive capabilities at my disposal. Then she notices that they are near that BUILDING that was ON FIRE earlier, and its sign includes the BIG HONKIN’ LETTER S from her first vision, which is wobbling like it just might fall off, HINT HINT. DAKOTA JOHNSON Oh hey, it’s that STRUCTURALLY UNSOUND BUILDING which is full of EXPLOSIVES! I should take the girls there, to keep them safe from harm. They head into the BUILDING, pursued by TAHAR, and set off all the FIREWORKS. DAKOTA uses her FUTURE VISION to let them navigate safely through the EXPLOSIONS. TAHAR RAHIM Ah, but don’t forget that my psychic dreams and telepathic conversations suggest that I am also a prophet, and therefore we presumably have a pretty cool psychic-on-psychic showdown about to- (blatted around by fireworks like Wile E. Coyote) Or just fuck that idea, I guess. Finally they all end up on the ROOF, where the BIG S on the SIGN is wobbling OMINOUSLY, as thought it might soon LAND ON SOMEBODY if you catch my drift. TAHAR RAHIM (fighting) Biff pow bash! Aha, my attacks and the various explosions have made it so that all three of the girls are now dangling off of various ledges simultaneously! You can’t save all of them from this massively contrived predicament! DAKOTA JOHNSON Ah, but it’s now time for me to pull that new superpower José mentioned out of my ass! See, since my powers allow me to select an optimal timeline, if I use them REALLY HARD I can select MULTIPLE timelines and make ALL OF THEM happen in a sort of quantum superposition, and thus be in several places at once! TAHAR RAHIM Oh? That’s... actually a pretty interesting idea. How do we show it, do you flash through possible futures in your mind, then unfold into three separate selves that all perform individual acts of hair-raising bravery to save each of the girls? DAKOTA JOHNSON Naw, I just sort of blorp out a few ghost tendrils that hover over to the girls and give them a quick leg up and then disappear. TAHAR RAHIM GAH, is there a SINGLE SHRED of realized potential anywhere in this movie?! Oh well, I fight you now, right by this sign with the wobbly S that looks like it might crush a bad guy any moment now, ahem. I will easily defeat you with my super-spider-agility! He slowly lumbers towards her. Eventually he throws one glacial haymaker which comes nowhere near connecting. TAHAR RAHIM Wait, what? (metal pillar falls at him) Oh - no problem, I will easily evade it with my super-spider-reflexes! He stands there like a CHUMP while the heavy PILLAR THING pins him. TAHAR RAHIM Well shit! Never mind, this thing probably only weighs a couple hundred pounds, I’ll easily throw it off with my super-spider-strength! He struggles USELESSLY until the platform finally COLLAPSES UNDER HIM and he PLUMMETS TAHAR RAHIM (falling) OKAY DO I ACTUALLY HAVE ANY SUPERPOWERS AT ALL?! (hits the ground) Oh and of course, right above me the big sign is finally coming apart, guess I’m about to be squashed by the giant S we’ve been teasing the whole movie- (squashed by giant P) What? WHAT?! What the ACTUAL FUCK are we even DOING?!? (dies) DAKOTA JOHNSON Yes, we win! Although I guess we should cram a bit more Origin Story stuff really quickly and lazily. (firework bounces off of face) Oh gosh, I guess that blinded and paralyzed me for life, well darn, what are ya gonna do. INT. HOSPITAL DAKOTA is recovering in the same HOSPITAL where EMMA has just had her BABY. SONY PICTURES LOOK! THERE HE IS, WE ACTUALLY SORTA GOT HIM INTO ONE OF THESE MOVIES A LITTLE BIT!!! This is probably gonna be all we can manage, make the most of it. DAKOTA JOHNSON Daw, Adam sure is going to like being an uncle. Something psychically tells me it’s gonna be a VERY hands-on job! (chuckles) Geddit? Cause his sister is gonna die tragically? And her husband? Ha ha, that’s hilarious, right? At least the kid will always have Adam around to take care of him OH WHOOPS (busts a gut) SYDNEY SWEENEY Well even though you wound up spending maybe three hours total in our presence, we’ve all bonded with you and want you to be our new mom. Is that cool by you? DAKOTA JOHNSON Hey, I’m not gonna turn down three free live-in carers. And I’m sure that taking in three runaway minors whose disappearance is considered an abduction and was on the news is going to be no problem at all. I can just point at you guys and call dibs and we’re set. (frowns) Besides, we need to stick together. My precognition tells me there are dark times ahead. ISABELA MERCED Oh? Like what? DAKOTA JOHNSON Let’s just say that Aaron Taylor-Johnson is definitely going to want to fire his agent. END (OH AND JUST TO GET ONE LAST BEWILDERING DECISION IN UNDER THE WIRE, THE SONG THAT IMMEDIATELY STARTS PLAYING OVER THE CREDITS IS “DREAMS” BY THE CRANBERRIES IN ALL ITS RANDOM-ASS TONALLY-IRRELEVANT GLORY)